And Now a Word...

Well hell......and goddammit.!!!!

I mean there was a time when I was desperately alone, lonely and depressed about being alone and so lonely....
It truthfully was self fulfilling and cyclical in its composition...
I recognized that I was likely to NEVER know the embrace of a woman whom in the act of completely and wholly giving herself to me in the process of us getting our carpets cleaned.. (if you know what I mean,..heheh )..
I understood that I would likely not have another friend of the caliber of my teen years and those people were hard core dopers and pot smokers....
ALL of my teen friends in my home town have been killed through the use of and addiction to heroin...the original Devil Drug....
At one point I was even considering the old "Left Earl" tactic for getting out of a bad play...or possibly ducking out of an incredible lame party...
I mean my life DID have the aspects of both of those social hells... And so Taking my toys and going..(home??) seemed to be a considerate and tidy solution to the awful feelings I was having...
So ..............
And SO,.........
And SO THEN I DID NOT TRY THAT !!
Instead what I did was find myself involved in a small local non-denominational church group....
It fit my sensibilities and my evolving sense of justice and charitable living...
I found myself being indoctrinated into Christian Fundamentalism and not really disputing ANY of the things I was being assured were not only Gospel, they were in fact NEW WORDS directly FROM GOD !!!!!

I look back on those years with a sort of nostalgia and shuddery self-regret over not having the tools to fight for my mind....
I was of course being played and manipulated from the very beginning by two former Southern Baptist good ol'boys.... Both graduates from college with divinity degrees and both very slick and very ,..very prone to doing whatever the hell they wanted when it came to the church, its members and its assets....
Years later I learned that both of them were routinely forcing the single women in the Sister's Home into various sexual acts and sexually based actions that were being represented at the time as "A Pastor Ministering To One Of His Flock"....

All very David Koresh - like in retrospective ......

I can look back from my viewpoint inside my head and also see that I was making myself follow, believe , espouse, preach, and proselytize as heartily and mightily as any Man Of God.. I was beyond reproach... ..
I was the Golden Boy...the Anointed one...
And I was faking it...even to myself.... As I was utterly convinced that the world was ending in a very short period of time.(months likely and at the most a few years),...I mean the "signs " were all around...
I was of course being played and at the same time I was playing a desperate game of fingernails on cliff-edge . Hanging on for the chance . Betting against the house that I WOULD WIN in the end and "I Would Gain the Reward"...

And sadly,..those two Southern Baptist snake-oil peddlers saw my real motive and posed me the classic two horns dilemma ...............
On the one hand (or horn) I would be cast into the eternal fires of Damnation like all the other sinners, unbelievers , and blasphemers.. during the end time...
IF I WERE TO GIVE IN TO THE DRIVE TO PROCREATE ....outside the sanctity of Marriage.
And on the Other hand (or horn) I would most certainly be punished forever by GOD ALMIGHTY for my stunning lack of "Faith" that the Lord would Provide a Bride to me IF HE SAW FIT... !!

It never mattered anyway since after I and a fellow Pastor ( A Sister and Head of the Single Women's Home) went before the full boars of Pastors in the Body Of the Church in Texas and asked for recognition of our witness in, and permission to follow God's leading of us and allow us to Marry...

I was immediately told "No"!! and Hell NO!!!
And she was actually taken into the main Pastors home for sequestering for two weeks whilst the Pastor "Ministered" to her spirit...
I was also ministered to and told that I was suffering from a Demon that was "clouding" my reasoning... This whole thing was Not in fact anything from the "LORD"..No, it was a directive straight from one of the mouths of HELL...

When I disputed this to the point of arguing it to and finally with and against the full body of Pastors they did what they saw as their ONLY Choice.
They "Expunged" me... from the body...like cutting out a tumor...or removing a gangrenous toe or finger...
I was summarily thrown out of the Body Of Christ and it was done as it were by my own hand.... Especially since I was ( And Remain ) completely unrepentant and implacably determined to marry this girl....
Well They Broke her and rearranged her synapses enough to regain full and compliant control over her. This was apparent to me when I was finally allowed to see her and her First words to me were on the order of how close we had both gotten to being agents of Satan , and HOW FORTUNATE for us that GOD had seen fit to help us...

I was devastated totally and got angry to the point of renouncing all my faith..in front of the Entire Body....

I mean ,..they were going to make me leave anyway...(for my own good, yes of course,..for my own good) it WAS GOD'S WILL after All...

So,...no pussy for me after all the years of celibacy and continuous effort for and to the Ministry...
No SEX Brother...God Say's "Nu-Uh" to you about the nookie...
And see, I did not get my plan to come to fruition I did NOT find the Reward Of Sanctified Marriage and the JOYS of the Hallowed BED...

Well HELL !!!!!

This really was a complete destruction of my world...it was a removal not only of me from them...all my friends in various flocks, all my fellow Brothers in Christ....all the Sisters and the vast array of church children...
THESE WERE MY FAMILY AND MY HEART FELT LOVES....
It was also a Removal Of Them From Me!!
I was strictly speaking....SHUNNED.

Anyway I foundered about for the better part of the following year and finally I joined the Military to get myself trained and skilled at something other preaching...
Especially since that road had been removed from all my maps as it were.

SO...
AND SO...
I GOT A WORLD VIEW....and it was truly a World View since I was allowed to travel (under orders ) halfway around the Globe for my Government...
I learned that My previously held views on religion and Christianity, and the end times were NOT those of the larger part of that "Christian Faith"..
That They were in FACT THE beliefs of a small group of what can only be realistically called, " Nut Bags"...

NOT that I was NOT a Nut Myself...After all the years of forcing that food down my throat I was fairly unpleasant to be around,...I was judgemental of Everybody I encountered, and I was sure that I now possessed the mental acuity and facility to think and speak circles around any Preacher on the planet and indeed took it upon myself as a misguided mission to show their followers that he entire lot of them were shams,...con-0artists,...quackery cures peddler's...

AND I would show them to be the charlatans' that I "KNEW" them to ,in fact be...
AND BETTER STILL! I would EXPOSE THEIR NASTY LITTLE UNDERBELLIES to the entire world and force them to admit to sexual deviance, drug addiction, drunkenness, and generally a complete lack of that Christian Value known as Charity and / or LOVE.

This is I admit the excess of Youth and the too brightly perceived value of one's own worth...
Needless to say I never did accomplish my mission...and I rather think it was no consequence that I did'nt as there was/ is a steady stream of those very faults and criminal behaviors and actions covered up on the part of the Conservative portion of the American Electorate...be they Republican, or Democrat....

Oh yes... AND I DID get laid finally...well and truly and by several different women whom were kind enough to me to share the "Mystery" Of fucking...
And I did Finally Marry One of Them and through Her I helped produce Four New Humans.. People that would NEVER have Existed had it not been for this Woman And Myself playing God as it were.....
And we were pretty good at it.....HEHEHEHEH